Scott's 2017 Predictions of All Kinds

Greetings. This page will include Scott's predictions pertaining to the 2017th year in the Gregorian calendar. Also, the 2017th year of the Julian calendar (since all of these events occur on January 14 or later). Football predictions will go into 2018, but a "sports year," as defined by Scott, ends on Super Bowl Sunday. The new sports year begins with the six-week slow period before March Madness, followed by baseball and football.

Sports (both real and fake) and politics are among the most predicted things.

Indians' 2017 Roster
Shouldn't be as hard as prior years, since there are fewer battles. Hopefully, Michael Brantley is set to go on Opening Day

Starting Lineup
Much of this is obvious, barring any setbacks with Brantley. I'm not a huge fan of Santana leading off, but with no Rajai Davis, there is nobody to have that prototypical leadoff role (maybe Naquin eventually, but he needs to make some adjustments or he will be an 8-9 hitter or bench guy the rest of his career. Kip is also a distinct possibility). EE will fit nicely in that four-hole and Brantley (if he is even somewhat close to his 2015 self) withJ-Ram to protect him. Santana and EE will switch off between 1B and DH kind of how Santana and Napoli did last year, and I would expect Brantley to DH some too. 7-9 will have a decent bit of fill-ins from the bench.

Bench
Bye bye Michael Martinez. Although it may behoove Erik Gonzalez to have him play every day in AAA, I think he will have a very good spring and make the Indians' roster. Put him in a couple days a week to give Kip or Lindor a day off here or there. Also, he can play at 3B and Ramirez can go to the outfield for a day. I'm guessing Brantley will only play about 5 games a week early on, even if healthy. Guyer is a strong right-handed presence and will be a good compliment to Chisenhall and Naquin, or as a pinch-hitter late in a game. Almonte can be useful, since he can play all three OF positions, and give Brantley time off if needed. Perez is obvious.

Rotation
Barring injury, this will be the starting five. Meritt will be the next man up in case of injury, double header, etc. I put Tomlin ahead of Bauer, but that's just my personal preference. But having either of those two as your 5th starter is never a bad thing.

Bullpen
I am guessing the closer role will be primarily Allen, with Miller able to step in as needed (or when the match-up is more favourable to a southpaw). Unfortunately, Shaw is an obvious choice for the other set-up guy. Logan is a nice addition as a match-up lefty (which means Kyle Crockett has no chance of making the roster and will unfortunately be DFAed) and Otero is a good match-up righty/other Accardo. McAllister should be a shoo-in and the other spot is anyone's guess. I will say Clevinger, but could easily be Anderson, Merritt, or any youngster or non-roster invite with a good spring.

2017 MLB
I will add explanations within the next fortnight or so.

AL East
1 (2) Boston Redsox (97-65) - Oddly, the Red Sox have finished either first or last in each of the five previous season. This year, you can mark an X in the first-place column. While they lost David Ortiz's power bat and leadership, they have a strong offense with players like Boegarts, Betts, and Bradley II. Adding Sale to a rotation that already features Porcello and Price makes this team that much better.

2 (5) Toronto Blue Jays (89-73) - This is the exact same record as 2016. While they lost a big bopper in Encarnacion, they still have a prolific lineup and added Morales. They didn't lose any pitching, and have one of the best rotations and bullpens in the game.

3 New York Yankees (86-76) - They have a very strong young core, both in the majors and in the high minors thanks to the Chapman and Miller trades. Their rotation is very weak behind Tanaka, but with Chapman back and Betances, they don't need the rotation to do too much. The Yankees are setting themselves up to start another big run in 2018 or 2019. Darn.

4 Baltimore Orioles (79-83) - Like the Yankees, their rotation sucks. The O's are a team who lives and dies by the long ball. Losing Weiters hurts though.

5 Tampa Bay Rays (72-90) - The Rays are the anti-Orioles, as they have a great rotation if Archer can bounce back to his 2015 form and Cobb can stay healthy. I am not a huge fan of ifs, especially when combined with a below average offense and a dreadful pen.

AL Central
1 (1) Cleveland Indians (102-60) - I am not sure if the Indians are the best team in the AL, but they get to play almost half of their schedule against has-beens Detroit and Kansas City and cellar dwellers Chicago and Minnesota. They brought back most of their World Series team from last year, and added Edwin Encarnacion, who is a younger version of Mike Napoli with more power and who doesn't strike out as much. Brantley returning from injury is like getting another free agent. They have a top rotation, the best bullpen in the game (and added a quality arm in Logan), a manager who knows how to use said bullpen, the best back-up catcher, and Mark running one of the cameras. It will be an Indians summer!

2 Detroit Tigers (88-74) - They do not have the quality of an 88-win team, but will get a lot of wins over CHW and MIN. The Tigers still have a lot of quality players who the team could not unload due to massive contracts.

3 Kansas City Royals (80-82) - They are trending down and I think they could have a fire sale in July. A few of the pieces from their 2015 World Series team are gone and a lot are free agents after this season.

4 Minnesota Twins (67-95) - I think the Twins will improve. But it is easy to do so on the 103-loss season they had in 2016. They have a lot of "young talent," much like the Royals of the early 2010s. Therefore, congratulations in advance to the 2022 AL Champion Twins.

5 Chicago White Sox (65-97) - They suuuuuuck. Their rotation was/is the only thing that is kind of good. Now Sale is gone, and it wouldn't surprise me if Quintana and/or Rodon will follow. As an Indians fan, I want those two out of the division. Time for a rebuild on the South Side.

AL West
1 (3) Seattle Mariners (91-71) - The AL West is the toughest division to pick, because there are four teams with playoff-worthy rosters (although the Angels may be a stretch). I think this is Seattle's year. They won 86 games last year with ace Felix Hernandez having a poor year. They also added players both from the Minors and via free agency (Segura, Dyson, Smyly, Gallardo). I think Cano leads a strong young lineup. A name to watch is Mitch Haniger, who does not prefer to go by "Mitchell" or "Willard."

2 (4) Houston Astros (90-72) - Just one game behind Seattle, I have the Houston Astros. They added Reddick, McCann, and Beltran to a lineup that already features Altuve and Correa. Add that to a quality young rotation and you've got something here. I'm not sold on their bullpen, which may cost them the division.

3 Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (79-83) - The Angels have underachieved ever since adding Pujols to a line-up that also includes Trout. This off-season, they added C-list free agents such as Espinosa, Valbuena, and Revere. I think this will put them a few wins above last year.

4 Texas Rangers (78-84) - The Rangers will be the biggest disappointment this year. After dominating the West a year ago, they lost Moreland and Beltran and didn't really pick anyone up. They have some quality youngin's, but they're not ready to take the giant leap into good performance. Their rotation is 40% good, 60% awful, and good pitching is a must in the Rangers' ballpark. So much for Jonahan Lucroy wanting to play for a contender.

5 Oakland Athletics (69-93) - Like the Angels, they also added a few C-list free agents, primarily to trade in July for A Prospect. They suck.

NL East
1 (3) Washington Nationals (93-69) - They won the division last year with a bad year from Bryce Harper. If he gets back to the way he was, the team will be better. Add Adam Eaton in front of Harper in the lineup and you've got something very nice. Scherzer and Strasburgh leading a strong rotation. Pen is a little thin after Melancon left but shouldn't be too bad.

2 (5) New York Mets (88-74) - The Mets are the only real competition for the Nationals. They stood Pat! in the offseason, but didn't really lose much. They just need people to stay healthy in order to compete.

3 Miami Marlins (77-85) - Their rotation sucks, but their bullpen has quietly become one of the better ones in baseball. Their line-up is not good outside of Stanton.

4 Atlanta Braves (70-92) - Not good. In rebuilding process. They have a new ballpark though, so maybe they can feed off that excitement for a month or so.

5 Philadelphia Phillies (66-96) - See Braves comment, minus the bit about the ballpark.

NL Central
1 (1) Chicago Cubs (101-61) - The World Champs are back once more. This time, they will have a healthy Schwarber for the entire season. Joe Buck must be thrilled. Their only real loss was Dexter Fowler, but they have a deep roster and will be fine. Their bullpen remains a question Mark though, as it really sucked outside of Chapman during the playoffs, and he is gone. But they can add an arm at the trade deadline if needed.

2 (4) St. Louis Cardinals (95-67) - The Cardinals are improved from last year and should compete with the Cubs for the division title before falling a few games short. They added Alex Reyes and the aforementioned Fowler to a strong roster, and should be back after missing the playoffs last year.

3 Pittsburgh Pirates (81-81) - They had the opportunity to blow the team up and rebuild, but decided to keep McCutcheon and go at it one more time. Unfortunately, they will fall short of expectations yet again. They could be big sellers at the trade deadline.

4 Cincinnati Reds (65-97) - Bad, but their rotation is decent and will keep them out of the cellar.

5 Milwaukee Brewers (63-99) - Just bad all around. Like the early 2010s Indians, they will be playing young minor leaguers for much of the second half.

NL West
1 (2) Los Angeles Dodgers (94-68) - The Dojers will rule this division once more. Perennial Cy Young candidate Kershaw will lead a talented rotation with former Indians Rich Hill and Scott Kazmir (wow did those two get better!) They won the west last year despite a Browns-sized injury list. Now with the team healthy along with a quality addition in Forsythe, the Dodgers will repeat again.

2 San Francisco Giants (86-76) - This is an odd year. But for actual reasons the Giants will finish in second, please read the following: They have a bona fide ace (Bumgarner), a solid bullpen anchored by a quality closer (Melancon), and a poor line-up.

3 Colorado Rockies (85-77) - They are the opposite of the Giants in tat they can hit but not pitch. They added Ian Desmond to an already stacked line-up, although he may be a defensive liability a la Shelley Duncan at first. Their rotation improved as the season went on last year, so maybe they have just enough pitching to make noise this year. They could be buyers in July.

4 Arizona Diamondbacks (78-84) - They have had "young talent" for the better part of a decade, although the "talent" part of that is debatable. They have good core, but could use a bounce-back year from players who either got hurt or fell short of high expectations in 2016.

5 San Diego Padres (56-106) - Horrible, just horrible. But they are the best sports franchise in America's Finest City, so they have that going for them.

Playoffs
AL Wild Card: HOUSTON over Toronto - In a battle of the last two WC Game winners, the Astros get the better of Toronto, who has to use their best starting pitchers just to get to this WC game

NL Wild Card: ST. LOUIS over New York - Should be a good one, but I'll go with the Cardinals

ALDS: CLEVELAND 3, Houston 1 - Cleveland's big arms will quiet down Houston's big bats, and the playoff experience from last year really benefits this Indians team.

ALDS: Seattle 3, BOSTON 1 - I'm going against all of the media hype on this one. The young Sox lost Ortiz's leadership, and that can be - as President Trump says - "yuge" come playoff time.

NLDS: CHICAGO 3, St. Louis 2 - Close series, but the Cubs prove they are the better team in a pivitol game five

NLDS: LOS ANGELES 3, Washington 0 - I just think the Dodgers match up that much better against the Nationals

ALCS: CLEVELAND 4, Seattle 1 - Tribe keeps rolling

NLCS: CHICAGO 4, Los Angeles 2 - Just like last year

World Series: CLEVELAND 4, Chicago 3 - Boring pick, but the same two teams as last year will produce another classic series. This time, no 3-1 deficits will be overcome and Hammy will finally be able to call a championship. Injuries to the rotation really hurt the Indians toward the end of the WS last year. This season will be different. Game seven will be close, but Cody Allen will be able to slam the door in Inning #9.

Awards
AL MVP: Mike Trout, Los Angeles - His team sucks, but there is nobody else in the AL playing at his level.

NL MVP: Kris Bryant, Chicago - He is and will remain a big reason that the Cubbies are so good.

AL Cy Young: Corey Kluber, Cleveland - He had a rocky start to 2016, but went 11-1 from July 4 on. Look for this Kluber to pitch the entire season.

NL Cy Young: Noah Syndergaard, New York - He will have a breakout year this year. Good news for Water Baseball players who are based on Syndergaard as well

AL Rookie of the Year: Andrew Benintendi, OF, Boston - The popular choice, and will be part of the Sox' success

NL Rookie of the Year: Alex Reyes, SP, St. Louis - Not the popular choice (Dansby), but had 2+ WAR in limited appearances for the Cardinals in 2016.

AL Manager of the Year: Scott Servais, Seattle - Scott Servais will win the AL Manager of the Year Award

NL Manager of the Year: Bud Black, Colorado - since this award can usually be renamed the "Manager of a team who did surprisingly well award"

2017 Indianapolis Republicans
Wins: 46

Losses: 34

Draws: 0, there are no draws in water baseball (except for after 12 innings in the European leagues)

Playoffs: Lose the WC game

Starting Line-up
An asteresk (*) after a player's name means he is a lock, barring injury, For others, see the "battles" section below. I hope the Cubs-themed players do well now, but not in October, after the WBB postseason ends. Battles:

2B - Paul Bryan is the heavy favorite to claim the 2B spot, but he had a terrible off-season. He kept getting into fights with former Republican Donald Trumpet, and lacked the leadership skills that he has shown in the past few seasons. Some say he should step down as captain of the team. He also performed poorly at the February organized team activities (OTAs). Other candidates include Zo Benbrist and Ben Ch.

The battles for the center field position and the fourth outfielder position will be the biggest in camp. Mike Pesos looked good in OTAs and is considered by some to be the favorite, but Rob Portland, Jason Grassward, and longtime Republican Duncan Donuts are also in the running (or in Donuts' case, the walking fast, as he ate too many donuts in the off-season, also hurting his cause). There were rumors that Mike Pesos would be assigned to St. Louis per the Gentlemen's Agreement, but we fought to keep him since his namesake actually is an "Indianapolis Republican." Also, AAA slugger Cincinnatus Costanza is considered a dark horse. Its too bad Bryce Hoppa was assigned to Dover as part of the Gentlemen's agreement this past off-season, but since we got more Cubs-themed players as a result, I am not complaining. Depending on who wins this battle, Brantley may be shifted to center and this man placed in left. The team may also carry a fifth outfielder, depending on Mike Brantley's health. He had to miss the entire season last year due to a knee injury.

Bench
The battle for the fourth outfielder spot is already explained above. El Rushbo Phillips is the favorite to play the role of utility player. He can play 2nd, short, 3rd, and left, plus he can play first base during day games if needed. However, he sometimes can come off as annoying. The other possibilites for the utility role are Zo Benbrist who is not nearly as good as his MLB namesake for some reason, Polo Rubio, and non-roster invite Justin Caseoneofthestartersgetshurt. Brad Strong is still on our 39-man roster, and could be a Jason Giambi-type player.

Rotation
Nothing that difficult here. When a fifth starter is needed, it would probably be young flamethrower Yoshi Kung Pao

Penn of Bull Descent
Bullpen is pretty much set. Gingrich is the only one who is questionable, but it will either be him or Bongo Bongo.

AL East
1 - Providence Anchors (2) (52-28)

Sorry Nick, but I think it will be cool to pick someone other than the defending Earth Series champion Kabutos for the AL East. The Anchors are building to win now as top starters Tom Bradley, Frank Anchor, and Freezie Sanders are starting to get old. the rest of their rotation is pretty good too, although Jimmy Garopmarco who has been rumored in many trades, particularly to bottomfeeding Youngstown. Having Articuno Jeffries as a fifth starter is amazing. Manager and GM Bill Belichicken spent this offseason trying to win now, adding Brandin Chefs to an outfield that already features Julian Edison and Rob Gronchickenski (if he can stay healthy). Too bad their bullpen is below average, as that could possibly keep them out of the playoffs all together.

2 - New Jersey Kabutos (4) (51-29)

The Kabutos will fall a little bit from their 2016 Earth Championship season, but not much. Their rotation is still the best in the game, and Michael Chansey returns to a very strong lineup. Perhaps Kevin Hate will not have his annual early-season injury this go-around.

3 - New York Water Baseball Professionals (47-33)

As part of the Gentlemen's Agreement, the Professionals acquired all Nate-themed players from Wyoming and sent non-NY themed players back to Wyoming. Not sure how this will affect them, but it will not put them past Providence or New Jersey. And the NY themed players alone would put them ahead of the

4 - Miami Druggies (35-45)

Mannn... we gotta play baseball? What a buzzkill....

5 - Dover Propels (28-52)

Like Propel itself, the Dover Propels were much more relevant 5-10 years ago. They lost up-and-coming catcher Matt Servers to free agency. Their saving grace may be the Gentlemen's agreement, which gave them governance of Washington and Baltimore teams, adding guys like Bryce Hoppa and Stephen Strawsberry to this team. They may be able to pull ahead of Miami, but that's as far as they will go.

AL Central
1 – Cleveland Generals (1) (55-25)

The Generals appear to be the team to beat in this division, as they have most of the same roster they did in 2016, when they had championship caliber Cavs-themed players and Indians-themed players. The reassignment of Browns-themed players to Youngstown helps the team out a lot. Look for LeBron Jimmy to carry this team through June and then Francisco Lindietz to lead the team the rest of the year. Michael Bradley’s return and the acquisition of Edlose Encarnacion help too.

I didn’t even get into their rotation and bullpen, which are among the best in WBB, not to mention skipper Frank Terryona, who knows hw to use said bullpen. The Generals will finish several games ahead of their closest competition, the

2 – Indianapolis Republicans (5) (48-32)

The Grand Old Team is back at it after a very interesting off-season. First, they acquired Kyle Buck from the Poles in a move that sent loud-mouthed bigot Donald Trumpet to St. Louis. Their Cubs-themed players had a tremendous off-season, their Colts-themed players, not so much. The Republican-themed players are the wild card, as they may be fighting among themselves. As always, the bullpen is stacked with Cody Skip and Luigi Trivisonno on the back end. And Mike Brantley is back, so its like they added yet another bat.

3 – Lexington Gentlemen (47-33)

Lexington surprisingly won this division last year, but really didn’t do anything in the off-season. But at least they didn’t embarrass themselves like the

4 – St. Louis El Presidentes (30-50)

As is tradition with this team, they clear out all of their roster (except St. Louis and Kansas City themed players) every four or eight years, and 2017 was such year. They sent many of their former players to the Detroit Democrats, and acquired the aforementioned Trumpet from Indianapolis. They decided to add many inexperienced players, such as Tyrannosaurus Tillerson. Trumpet is a good player, but he will not play Saturday or Sunday games as he likes to golf at Mar-A-Lago on those days. Good thing Sean Zester and Kellyanne Conway Twitty are around to create an alternate reality in which the El Presidentes are good, because they suck.

5 – Mobile Homes (24-56)

They traded their best outfielder, Brandin Chefs, to Providence for a couple draft picks, and now have nobody on their team except aging ace Drew Breeze and catcher Howard Tim, who will likely be traded in July.

AL West
1 - San Antonio Something (3) (44-36)

This will be the toughest division to pick, but I think the Something will be able to finish a few games ahead of the pack due to their strong pool of available talent. The retirement of Tony Roma hurts, but Scott Presdak had a phenomenal season in AAA last year and looks to be their top starter. They also traded loser Ash Osweiler to Youngstown, but had to fork over a high draft pick in the process. Look for Kawhi Sheldon to have an MVP-caliber seaon, especially in the early going, and the Rangers- and Astros- themed plaers to pick up after that.

2 - Albuquerque Turkeys (42-38)

The Turkeys find themselves sandwiched between San Antonio and Alaska. Their rotation is getting old as Carson Fallmer and all of the Schlotzsky's-themed players were much better 10+ years ago. There are talks of drafting a young starting pitcher, such as DeShaun Ampson if he falls that far down the board. They do have some youth though, with Goomba St. James and Paul Silvershmidt entering the primes of their respective careers.

3 - Alaska Blubber Nuggets (40-40)

Hopefully third year outfielder Attack!! can lead the Nuggets out of the cold and into the heat of a division race. They have decent pitching, but I think they will finish in the middle of this division. They're chewy!

4 - California Melons (40-40)

Their biggest loss was the reassignment of all of the Raiders-themed players to Las Vegas (unlike the NFL, the PWBL does not allow a three-year grace period on moves). They got rid of Colin Kaepernate, who is a terrible pitcher and a distraction out of the pool, but still have several bad players, such as the addition of Marsala Hoyer. They do have the 2nd pick and could go a bunch of different ways with it.

I do think they will get off to a good start, as guys like Steph Cumin and newly acquired Kevin Duruncle tend to play exceptionally well in June. Draymond Blue does too, as long as he doesn't sexually assault his opponents. Milwauke Bumgarner is also a force to be reconed with in their rotation, and they may also have one good A's themed player.

5 - Wyoming Oblongs (35-45)

Subbing out the Nate-themed players and Muhammad Li for the non-NY themed players from New York leaves this team with guys like Jose Hypochondriac. They do pull from the Broncos and Rockies. One of them is a has-been with superior defense, and the other one is an up-and-comer with superior offense.

Everyone in this division could end up between 35 and 45 wins, so its really going to be a close call.

NL East
1 - Atlantic Ocean Dancers (2) (56-24)

I think the Dancers are the best team in the NL, but will get the 2-seed because their schedule is much more difficult than Hawaii's. Their rotation rivals New jersey's with Gonzalez, Sanderson, Lopez, and Andcoke. The team is starting to get old as guys like Sandy Frankenstorm haven't been relevant since 2013. But they do have some young people o n the rise such as Miguel Sayes and Brian Dozer, who was acquired from Tijuana because his namesake was deemed "good" enough.

2 - Boston Red Solo Cups (4) (49-31)

Boston (along with Savannah and Virginia Beach) will be kind of in the race for the division, but not really. These three will be competing for the two wild card spots. I think the Solo Cups have a little more talent than the other two with a rotation that features Porcelain, Appraisal, and the newly acquired Auction. Tobias Kieth is the rhythm of this team and will take over the leadership role from the retired Big Sloppy Ortiz. Rising stars such as Mookie Wagers and Xander Boogers, as well as the acquisition of Mitch Dryland will help this team too. And Possibly Isaiah Thompson and Jae Chowder will help the team out during basketball season. As a Cavs fan, I hope the Celtic-themed players have a minimal impact once WBB season starts.

3 - Savannah Ghosts (5) (49-32)^

The Ghosts are dead set on making the playoffs this year and with the recent success of the Falcons, this team has become a real Boo's Who of good players. Now that I am done with the cheesy puns, I will justify why the Ghosts sneak into the playoffs. They have Matt Bryan, who could win the Cy Old award, but don't have much of a rotation behind him. Their offense is stacked, as they have Alec Smack, Julio Bones (wow that name really works for this team!) Davonta Liberatedman, and Mohammad Saused. Plus, don't sleep on Dansby Lean Cuisine, who may be the rookie of the year.

4 - Virginia Beach Jellyfish (47-33)

Falling just a buzz short of the playoffs, the Jellyfish will have a strong year. Their rotation sucks outside of Cam Oldton, who won't be quite where he was in 2015. But with a lineup that features Tentacruel O'Neil, Pirhana Plant Alvarez, Williams Berg, and smasher Thwomp Callahan, I think they can win a lot of 12-11 games.

5 - Philadelphia Phillises (19-61)

Their record is in part because they are awful, but also because they are in the best of all divisions. It wouldn't surprise me if they didn't win five games against the four sides above them. They have a promising young starter in Buchanan Wentz, but not a lot beyond that, since they traded Sam Trotford to the Border Crossers. Alshon Timothy was a nice pick-up, but they have a lot of holes to fill to return to their average days of 2012-13.

NL Central
1 - Pittsburgh Accents (3) (42-38) 

Along with the AL West, this is the toughest division to pick. But all of the NL Central teams are horrible and I think they all got worse over the off-season. The Accents will win this division though. Ace Ben Rothmorehotdog was contemplating retirement over the off-season, but will give it another go. The Accents' "Big Three" (Rothmorehotdog, LeVeon Ding, and Antonio Tan) will lead the team to mediocrity, which is all you need in this Division.

2 - Barrie Brios (40-40)

Barrie has a decent team on paper, but always seems to underachieve (especially the Bills-themed portion of their roster. The loss of Edlose Encarnacion hurts a lot, but they still have a good line-up and a solid rotation led my Marcus Snowman. And they still have Jose Baucoffeesta and Franklin DeVilbis in their one through nine.

3 - Detroit Democrats (35-45)

Detroit did nothing this offseason, but suffered terrible losses and there was a lot of bickering and childishness among this team. They spent much of the off-season fighting against new Water Baseball Supreme Court Justice Sit Gorsuch's nomination. They would like to trade some of their Tigers-themed players but nobody wants to take on their massive contracts (not to mention the fact that any Democrat's contract stipulates that the team must pay for their healthcare forever. Speaking of healthcare, terrible relief pitcher Timothy Healthcare is making a comeback this year after the Water Baseball Government couldn't kick him out of the league.

4 - Totemsburgh Poles (14-66)

The Poles are horrible. They had a decent rotation but traded ace Chris Auction to Boston. Now they are counting on youngsters Jose Quagmire and Mike Gmccartney to lead the way. They have nobody who can hit except for Todd Friends, and their bullpen makes the 2016 Reds' bullpen look great. It will be another long year for this team, but they will still not finish in last place.

5 - Youngstown Yizzous (12-68)

The Yizzous suffered the most as a result of the recent Gentlemen's Agreement. They also lost ace Peter Penguin to retirement, as he doesn't want to be associated with this horrible franchise anymore. This left the rotation in shambles as it is unknown who their #1 starter will be (options include Cody Kramer, who quietly had a pretty good season last year despite being overshadowed by everyone around him struggling, Ash Osweiller (please no), perhaps re-signing Robert Griffey III (please, please no), or selecting a quality college WBB pitcher - Mitch False Biscuits of North Carolina, DeSean Ampson of Clemson, DeShaun Czar of Notre Dame, and Pikachu Henderson of Bryant and Stratton are the top starting pitchers available).

They have a decent bullpn with guys like Scott Leftside Slammer, Nate Metalmen, and Nick Nasty, but its hard for them to protect non-existant leads. They lost their best outfielder, Terrelle Earlier, Sr, to Dover, and replaced him with Kenny Englishman and surrounded him with Gary Shedage (who only seemed to play well when former Yizzou Josh McClown was pitching) and possibly the WBB equivalent to Corey Coleman.

NL West
1 - Hawaii Pineapples (1) (57-23)

The Sharkweeks have taken a few steps back, leaving Hawaii as the clear favorite in this division. Their rotation ranks among the best in the business with Rocket, Verlander, Rojers, and Shoobie. Matt Cafevedova leads a decent line-up, which should be able to do enough with ther good pitching to win this division.

2 - Las Vegas Debtors (48-33)^

My surprise team is the Debtors. The addition of SP Derek Minivan from California a huge boost to their rotation that already includes Bill Agio and Brick Harrison. In a division where SD is down, the Crossers can't do anything right, and the Drowners are, well, the Drowners, I think the Debtors can compete with the three WC candidates in the East.

3 - San Diego Shark Weeks (45-35)

The Sharkweeks are on their way down after inexplicably sending fan favorite Phillip Streams, along with Kel Allen and Travis Benjarvus to Los Angeles for next to nothing (just Jhoulys DeMatie and the promise of lots of cash for the owner). Mark TheShark is a good pitcher, but the rest of their rotation sucks. Also, they do *not* have the lineup they once did outside of Adam Civilized, meaning you can just walk him a lot and get the rest of the guys out.

4 - Tijuana Border Crossers (37-43)

They overpaid for Sam Trotford last fall, and outside of he and Frank Anchor-Baby, they have nobody on their team.

5 - Los Angeles Drowners (33-47)

The Drowners are back in last place, although I do not feel like elaborating at the moment.

^The Ghosts and Debtors finish tied for the 5-seed at 48-32. The two teams play in a one game pla tiebreaker game, which the Ghosts will win.

Playoffs
AL Wild Card: NEW JERSEY over Indianapolis - the Kabutos have the better lineup and Clyde Duncan is probably the better pitcher than whoever Indianapolis puts out, especially considering that Indy may need to use their top starters a lot just to sneak ahead of Lexington and New York

NL Wild Card: Savannah over BOSTON- The Falcons-themed players they have on offense are about to enter their peak season.

ALDS: CLEVELAND 3, San Antonio 1 - The Something look pretty even with the Generals on paper, but always seem to flame out in the playoffs (or late in the regular season). Plus Cleveland has a pitching staff built for a playoff series.

ALDS: New Jersey 3, PROVIDENCE 2 - These division rivals will put forth the most entertaining of the four LDS, but I think the defending champs' rotation gives them the slight edge.

NLDS: HAWAII 3, Pittsburgh 0 - The Accents barely broke the .500 line, and were they in any other division, they would probably be 30-50 at best. The Pineapples will cruise in this series.

NLDS: Savannah 3, ATLANTIC OCEAN 1 - The gap between the four-time NL champs and the rest of their division will shrink this year, and Savannah really seems tohave added the most the past season or two. Ocean has gotten to many Earth Series and will get to a few more, but not this one.

ALCS: CLEVELAND 4, New Jersey 2 - Probably the two best pitching staffs in the AL will duke it out, but the Generals will find ways to win games in the 7th and 8th innings. The Kabutos' bullpen (sans Flowers) is their only weak area.

NLCS: Savannah 4, HAWAII 3 - The Ghosts keep sneaking up on people. The Falcons-themed players will get the better of the Packers-themed players, just like in January.

Earth Series: CLEVELAND 4, Savannah 1 - The Ghosts run ends here. Cleveland builds up a 3-1 lead, but does not blow it. They have too good of a pitching staff and a youngin named Francisco Lindietz who proves he is not too young for this moment.

Awards
AL MVP: Francisco Lindietz, Cleveland - Had a strong 2016 campaign and will really take a step up this year.

NL MVP: Tobias Kieth, Boston - Takes over leadship role held by Ortiz, leads Boston through a very tough schedule into the playoffs

AL Cy Old: Noah Syndergaardner, New Jersey - He will have a breakout season, even surpassing teammated Duncan, Bradams, and the other one.

NL Cy Old: Tito Rocket, Hawaii - Will win a close race including Atlantic Ocean's top three, Matt Bryan, Derek Minivan, teammate Aaron Rojers, Chris Auction, and possibly Jose Quagmire.

AL Rookie of the Year: Tom Polyester, Indianapolis - Not a ton of rookies in the AL this year, but this Young Republican is very strong in the conservative pitching style many republicans have used before him.

NL Rookie of the Year: Jethro Ocean - Atlantic Ocean, The first in the line of the next generation of Atlantic Ocean players

AL Manager of the Year: Frank Terryona, Cleveland - Taking his team over the top

NL Manager of the Year: Leonard Adelson, Las Vegas - Surprising many by almost making the playoffs in a very crowded NL

NFL Draft
Picks 1-32 of Round 1 Note: Tennessee will trade the 5th selection to the Cleveland for the 12th and 52nd selections, plus the earliest of the Browns' three 2nd round selections in 2018.

Note: Arizona will trade the 13th selection to Tampa Bay for the 19th and 84th selections.

Note: There are generally more than two 1st-round draft-day trades, but I tend to pick these things conservatively.

Actual first round picks that I predicted elsewhere: Evan Engram, 23 (to NYG) Takkarist "the Swearer" McKinley, 26 (to ATL), David Njoku, 29 (to CLE), Ryan Ramczyk, 32 (to NO).

Thiergartner-Hug Wedding
Family Floozy: Mark

Notable no-show: Rick

Bouquet catcher (if that ritual is occurring at this wedding): Someone on the Thiregartner side

Garter catcher: same

Tastiness of the desserts: high

Number of times the chicken dance will be played: 1 (hopefully none)

Weather: Cooler than usual, with some "radia" (rain)

Groom fantasy football record this year (Mighty Falcon League only): 9-4

Bride fantasy football record this year: 7-6

Number of times Dan stutters during his reading: 0

2017 NFL
Notes and summaries coming eventually

AFC East

(1) New England (16-0) - Yes, I think they will have a perfect season. The champions greatly improved over the off-season by adding Brandin Cooks and Kony Ealy to an already stacked roster. They lost Martellus Bennett (who my dad called Michael Bennett during the fantasy football season) but added Duane Allen who is almost as good. Their division is garbage and most of their tough games are at home. The only tough road games they have are at Pittsburgh and "at" Oakland in Mexico City, which should draw a lot of Pats fans. They may rest some starters late in the year, but that (and possible injuries) is the only thing keeping them from perfection.

And oh by the way, they have a fellow by the name of Tom Brady under center. You may have heard of him.

Buffalo (7-9) - The rest of the AFC East is mediocre at best and I think each of the other three teams got worse over the off-season. Sean McDermott is a heck of a defensive coach (as I wanted the Browns to look at him two or three coaching searches ago). They have a decent defense and offense, nothing special, but their lack of a franchise QB will keep them as one of those teams on the fringe of the playoff race at best.

Miami (5-11) - Possibly the biggest disappointment outside of Dallas, the Dolphins are not coming close to a return to the playoffs. Tanehill's ACL injury is, as President Trump would say, yuge, and a washed up Jay Cutler will not be the starter after a few games. Matt Moore is decent and they have a nice receiving corps, but 2017 will not be their year

New York Jets (1-15) - They are in full "Suck for Sam" (Darnold) mode. This Jets team would probably get blown out by the 2016 Browns.

AFC North

(3) Pittsburgh (11-5) - They brought most of the team back from last year and can (hopefully) insert Martavis Bryant into their offensive scheme again even though he is a jagoff. Tough schedule out of divission, but most of those tough games are at home.

(5) Baltimore (10-6) - The Ravens will climb back into the playoffs after missing the last two years. Hopefully for them, the oft-injured Breshad Perriman will stay healthy, as he would add a lot to their offensive attack.

Cincinnati (7-9) - Their offensive line is in shambles, but still have a good enough defense to be on CBS's "in the hunt" list until about week 16. Marvin Lewis will finally be let go after this year.

Cleveland (5-11) - The Browns look much improved, but its hard not to after the embarrassments of 2015 and 2016. Even though 5-11 is bad, expect the team to look more competitive in defeat and take a giant leap in 2018. Sheesh, what I meant to say is the Browns still suck!

AFC South

(2) Tennessee (12-4) - Marcus Mariotta is posed to take a giant step forward this year as the titans become a force in an otherwise awful division.

Houston (9-7) - Will be 9-7 for the fourth consecutive season under Bill O'Brien. They have a tone of talent on their entire roster except at QB. DeShaun Watson could step into a great situation.

Indianapolis (7-9) - Andrew Luck is coming off Major Shoulder Surgery (I wonder if this was at the General Hospital or a Private Practice for the Colts). He may face some Corporal Punishment (okay I'm done) as the Colts have a porous line and aging running game. Their defense sucks too. Hopefully adding Malik Hooker can bring in some much needed youth

Jacksonville (4-12) - Leonard Fournette is a nice addition, but Blake Bortles will not get back on track. Time for a new franchise QB.

AFC West

(4) Oakland (11-5) - were a broken down Carr away from potentially making a deep run in the playoffs. This year that will not be the case. Will be interesting to see if the Oakland fans will shun the team or still root for them due to their upcoming move to Las Vegas

(6) Los Angeles Chargers (9-6-1) - For the first time ever, I am predicting a tie. This is due to the fact that there have five ties the last five seasons, OT has been shortened to 10 minutes, and the Chargers are playing their home games in a soccer stadium. How cool is that? That tie, however, will be their saving grace as it puts them into the playoffs ahead of several 9-7 teams. They have a very strong offense and sured up their defense a little bit over the off-season.

Interestingly, six of the previous seven teams who were the only victim of a 1-15 team went on to make it to the playoffs within two seasons.

Kansas City (9-7) - Will take a small step back due to tough division and the fact that Alex Smith isn't all that great. Maybe we will see Mr. Mahomes. Travis Kelce is a crybaby.

Denver (8-8) - Good defense, no offense. 8-8 is good for last place in this stacked division.

NFC East

(4) New York Giants (9-7) - Should be able to establish a strong ground game to compliment their passing game. The Cowboys will be down (see below) so 9-10 wins should win this division with a some decent but no great teams.

Dallas (8-8) - Ezekiel Elliott's six game suspension is really two games for his domestic violence (for which he was not charged, let alone convicted) and four games to over-compensate for Ray Rice's small suspension a few years ago. But the Cowboys' first half of the season is quite difficult, I could see them start 2-6 or 3-5, and not be able to recover from there. Teams had an entire offseason to adjust to Prescott, so we will have to see if he can adjust back or if he is just a one-year-wonder.

Philadelphia (7-9) - Like I said above, Wentz had a few good games until defenses adjusted to him. Maybe he can make adjustments. A couple new weapons are at his disposal, and they have a top O-line. Defense is okay but seconday is n'est pas good.

Washington (5-10-1) - Lost a pair of 1,000-yard receivers, but added Terrelle Pryor. Kirk Cousins' drama will hamper these guys a little bit. Defense is so-so.

NFC North

(1) Green Bay (13-3) - Probably the best team in the NFC and in an easy division eha eha. Aaron Rodgers will hae a strong year.

Minnesota (8-8) - Minnesota will finish 8-8, good for 2nd in the NFC North

Detroit (5-11) - They will miss Calvin Johnson, as Stafford suddenly has nobody to throw the ball to. Their running game and defense are alright, but nothing special. Will be a rough season in Motown

Chicago (5-11) - Will also be a rough season for DA BEARS! Mitchell Trubisky will start the lion's share of games since Mike Glennon is a loser. He will do okay but not #2-pick worthy, especially with an incomplete offense around him.

NFC South

(2) Atlanta (12-4) - They have one of the most loaded rosters in the league and will be opening a new stadium. Unfortunately, they will suffer a Super Bowl hangover worse than the typical one because they blew a 28-3 lead. They do have a very tough stretch in October/November with four road games in five weeks including trips to New England and Seattle. If they get through that, they should be in very good shape.

(5) Tampa Bay (11-5) - I'd say the Bucs are my breakout team, but they quietly went 9-7 last year. Jameis Winston takes that step from good to elite, and they added O.J Howard and a healthy and recharged Doug Martin to their offense. Interestingly, both TB vs ATL games are after Thanksgiving, so this could be a divisional race to watch.

Carolina (7-9) - They're closer to the team that went 6-10 last year than to the team that went to the Super Bowl in 2015.

New Orleans (6-10) - They added Adrian Peterson to an already potent offense, but their defense couldn't stop Edna. Expect a lot of games in the 30s and 40s.

NFC West

(3) Seattle (11-5) - They are the front runners in the division, but are burdened with a tough schedule. Along with the physical play in the NFC west, they have road games against Green Bay, Tennessee, New York Giants, and Dallas.

(6) Arizona (9-7) - David Johnson is a stud. Palmer, Fitzgerald, and Matthaeiu are all very good but aging. I think they have one more playoff year in them though.

San Francisco (5-11) - Although still only 5-11, they are much improved from last year. Probably had the best draft in getting players this year and adding assets in future drafts thanks in part to the Bears' idiocy.

Los Angeles Rams (3-13) - They have no QB at all and minimal talent, especially on offense. They may win their first two games (Colts and Redskins at home) before losing 13 of 14 to finish the year.

AFC Playoffs

Wild Card: (3) PITTSBURGH over (6) Los Angeles Chargers - Experience vs youth. Plus there is a big gap between the top three AFC and everyone else.

Wild Card: (4) OAKLAND over (5) Baltimore - Raiders have the better team.

Division: (3) Pittsburgh over (2) TENNESSEE - Again, the whole experience thing.

Division: (1) NEW ENGLAND over (4) Oakland - Tom Brady remains at the top of his game and the Pats easily get past the Raiders

Champ: (1) NEW ENGLAND over (3) Pittsburgh - Just like last year. The Pats just can't be stopped.

NFC Playoffs

Wild Card: (3) SEATTLE over (6) Arizona - These two teams have played some interesting games over the years, but this one goes to the host Seahawks.

Wild Card: (5) Tampa Bay over (4) NEW YORK GIANTS - Giants are only in because they won a weak division.

Division: (2) ATLANTA over (3) Seattle - Falcons dismantle the Seahawks at home just like they did last year.

Division: (5) Tampa Bay over (1) GREEN BAY - Biggest surprise, but this is where Winston really steps his game up. Plus the Packers' defense isn't that great.

Champ: (5) Tampa Bay over (2) ATLANTA - We need a different Super Bowl than NE/ATL.

Super Bowl LII

New England over Tampa Bay - New England should win this game pretty handily, but it will be close. All of Tom Brady's Super Bowl wins (and losses) were by 6 points or less.

Other

Week 1 Browns starter: Osweiller (already wrong)

Kizer's 1st start: Week 10 (same)

Kizer's level of play: Decent

MVP: Tom Brady (NE)

Offensive POY: Also Mr. Brady (NE)

Defensive POY: JJ Watt (HOU)

Offensive ROY: Christian McCaffery (CAR)

Defensive ROY: Myles Garrett (CLE) - unless he gets hurt in Week 4 eha eha

Comeback POY: Adrian Peterson (NO)

Coach of Year: Dirk Coetter (TB)

Pro Bowl Prediction: A Pro Bowl will be played

Mighty Falcon League Champion: The Hasman

Mighty Falcon League Runner-Up: Take a guess eha eha

Colin Kaepernik signs with a team: Week 4

Number of Democrats running for President in 2020: 22

Number of Republicans running for President in 2020: 7 (Kasich will break the seal and announce candidacyrun against President Trump, then many establishment Republicans will join him)

Tom Brady retires: after 2019

Rothermel most likely to fall down a hole saying pnooooooo: Steve