Totemsburgh

Totemsburgh is a fictional city in Totemsburgh County, Illinois, United States. It is located kind of by Chicago and is part of the Greater Totemsburgh Metropolitan Area. As of the 2010 census, the city had a total population of not many.

History
Totemsbugh was founded by Moses Totemsburgh. (this section is not by any means full)

Education
The Totemsburgh School District is is one of the best school districts in Illinois, but that is not saying much. It consists of the following schools
 * High Schools
 * Totemsburgh High School (9-12, covers west of Brad Street)
 * Brad Fini High School (9-12, covers east of Brad Street)


 * Middle Schools
 * Will Middlebrooks School (6-8, covers west of Brad Street)
 * Krusty the Klown Middle School (6-8, covers east of Brad Street)


 * Elementary Schools
 * Jesse Jackson Elementary (K-5, covers west of Brad Street and north of Totemsburgh Avenue, in the ghetto part of town)
 * The School Next To Arby's (K-5, covers west of Brad Street and south of Totemsburgh Avenue)
 * Brady Quinn Elementary (K-5, covers east of Brad Street and north of Totemsburgh Avenue, people who go here tend to be spoiled and unathletic)
 * LeBron James Elementary (K-3, covers east of Brad Street and south of Totemsburgh Avenue. After third grade, students must take their talents to South Beach)
 * South Beach Elementary (4-5, covers east of Brad Street and south of totemsburgh Avenue)

In addition to the above public schools, Totemsburgh is home to the following private schools
 * High Schools
 * St. Ignauseous (9-12): An all-boys Catholic high school with a bunch of spoiled, pompous a-holes. Their big rival is st. Eduardo in Totemsburgh's Equivalent of Lakewood.
 * Blake Catholic (9-12, referred to by locals as "Pail") is a very nice Catholic high school. Dan Abbraccio went there.
 * Gilless Academy (9-12) is an extremely snobby non-religious school where spoiled brats go, even moreso than St. Ignauseous.


 * Grade Schools
 * Our Lady of the Totem Pole (K-8, generic Catholic gradeschool)
 * Extremely Helpful Academy (EHA, K-8), snobby gradeschool. This is where many of the students who go to Gilless start out)
 * St. Felicitas (K-8, Sean Arrrrrrghp went there)
 * St. Alec (K-8, ghetto Catholic school. mosrt students who go there are not catholic but receive a tuition voucher)

Dining
Totemsburgh is known for its many bars and restaurants. The period from February 15 through March 15 is known as restaurant month, to encourage Totemsburghers (that's gotta be a menu item somewhere!) to dine during a normally slow time for bui'ness. The Totemsburgh Ordinance for Restaurants, Taverns, Uneducated Restaurateurs, and Entrepreneurs (TORTURE) requires that all restaurants, including fast food joints, be closed on Thanksgiving, Christmas, Brad's birthday, and Easter.


 * A Spot is a burger restaurant owned by famous chef and Totemsburgh native Symon Michael. They have creative burger recipes eha eha. In addition to burgers, they sell brats, bad a** shakes, and various assortments of French fries. A Spot has three suburban locations and one location at the Horseshoe Casino Totemsburgh.


 * The Blinking Blizzard is a popular Sports Bar. They have 14 restaurants across greater Totemsburgh, including one within the city limits. The year was 1983. The original Blinking Blizzard Tavern opened its doors for business on Kilometers Road in Couchford Heights, Illinois. The concept was founded on solid operating principles that focused on food, service, and atmosphere. The Blizzard quickly became a favorite with the “locals.” Blinking Blizzard, Inc. currently operates 14 restaurants with even higher standards of quality and execution than ever before. They are somewhat famous for their wings, which have 14 signature sauces and one non-signature sauce. Nick Hug can handle even their hottest sauce (which causes blistering of the tongue and esophagus), or so he claimed in February 2009.


 * Carrabba's is the most popular restaurant in Totemsburgh. Brad's favorite menu item and Carrabba's employee are Chicken Bryan and Rafael Cornmeal, respectively. Is the chicken bryan fire roasted chicken breast topped with caprino cheese, sundried tomatoes, and a basil lemon butter sauce eha eha? Yes that is exactly what it is. Carrabba's also offers chicken marsala, spendino dimare (no relation to Chris), and many other overpriced signature dishes.
 * El Jersey Shore serves Mexican and Italian-American cuisines.  Customers get both chips and salsa, as well as fancy bread before their food is served.  EJS is located near Brad State, and it also operates Abbraccio, a popular night club for college students and others.
 * El Totem authentic Mexican restaurant.  Serves tacos, burritos, enchalatas, quesadillas, and other Mexican cuisine.  They are best known for their margaritas and the chips and salsa served before meals.  Food critic Brad Fini had nothing but praise for this place "Not many restaurants have chips as good as these ones eha eha."  Mariachi bands play here on occasion.  Their most famous special is the Weekday Lunch Special:  Buy any lunch combination at regular price, get a second lunch combination for regular price also.
 * Frank Anchor's serves seafood. It is kind of like Red Lobster but without the cheddar bay biscuits, high prices, and large groups of minorities minorities.


 * "Sports Bar"  is a generic sports bar with wings, beer, sports, and various other bar food.
 * Taxiland Western Saloon and Eatery.  Edna's favorite place to eat.

In addition to these restaurants, Greater Totemsburgh has at least one location of each of the following fast food chains: Arby's Arrrrghby's (a pirate version of Arby's), Burger King, Charley's Subs, Charley Duh's Subs, Chipotle, Dairy Queen, Dairy King, Dairy Prince, Dairy Commoner, Dunkin Donuts, Five Guys Burgers and Fries, Five Guys and a French Fry, Hot Dog on a Stick,  Kenny Rogers' Roasters, KFC, McDonalds, MacDonalds, Nathan's Hot Dogs, Panera, Pizza Hut, Pizza Teepee,Pizza Wigwam, Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits, Popeye's Biscuits and Chicken, Quizno's, Quizyeses, Schlotzsky's, SubWay, Taco Bell, Tim Horton's, Tim Hormetricton's, Wendy's, and WhiteCastle. And Bongo wonders why he's so fat.
 * The Totem Pub is a sports bar that does not ID its customers. It has a long-standing policy of using the honors system. The Totemsburgh Police Department looks the other way on this issue because the restaurant gives police officers a very nice discount. You would think this policy would bring a lot of young people in, but their hours that are not typical for a bar keep the youngsters out. They close at midnight Sunday through Thursday, but close at 8 pm on fridays and Saturdays, because the owner does not like rif-raf. Apparently he doesn't like money either. The Totem Pub is also closed for the entire month of November every year because by that point, the owner is sick of obnoxious Ohio State fans who think they are the best team in the history of forever. The restaurant is re-opened on December 1 after the Buckeyes are finished with their regular season.

Totemsburgh also has two Denny's locations. This way, locals can say "lets not go to that Denny's lets go to the good one."

Shopping

 * The Totemsburgh Square (formerly known as Totemsburgh Union Terminal and sometimes referred to as "Towser City") is a large mixed-use facility located on Totemsburgh's version of Public Square, at the corner of Brad Street and Totemsburgh Avenue in downtown Totemsburgh, Illinois. The facility is composed of a number of interconnected office buildings, including the landmark Totem Tower, a shopping mall with 112 stores and services, a casino, a ghetto movie theatre, two hotels, and the main hub of Totemsburgh's three rapid transit lines (the Tan Line, Purple Line, and Red Line).

Sports
Totemsburgh has three professional sports teams: The Totemsburgh Poles (Water Baseball), the Totemsburgh Wildcats (Radia Ball), and the Totemsburgh Nicks (basketball). The poles are much more popular, and "Stadium" (capacity 35,000) sells out many games, particularly on the weekends. The Wildcats are the laughing stock of the National Radia Ball League (NRBL), and they usually draw less than 1,000 fans to "Work" Field. (capacity 20,000). The Nicks, who play their home games at Bradison Square Garden, are a middle-of-the road basketball team. They wear yellow jerseys and all the players look the same. Their biggest rival is the New York Knicks.

Totemsburgh is home to Brad State and the University of Totemsburgh, both are members of the Little Ten. Brad State has one of the top water baseball programs in the nation. Lead by manager Rick Pipreteeno, Brad State's WBB team has won national championships in 2006, 2011, and 2012.

Cities within Greater Totemsburgh
Totemsburgh - The economic, cultural, and social center of Greater Totemsburgh. The city is centered on a crook in the Totem River that once caught on fire. Brad Street is the main drag through town, going from north to south. Totemsburgh is home to the Poles, as well as Brad State, University of Totemsburgh, and many other smaller colleges.

East Totemsburgh - Founded by Totemsburgh's son, Moses East-Totemsburgh. It is actually located just to the west of Totemsburgh. It is ghetto.

Totemsburgh Heights - The largest suburb in the area, it is located due east of Totemsburgh. It is known for hippies and other liberal subgroups, and has many establishments that cater to this crowd. Covenbranch is a major street through town.

Torontotem - Canadian district, ironically to the south of Totemsburgh proper. Mickey guards it, and treats it as if he is international customs. The famous "The Border" sign lies on the line between Totemsburgh and Torontotem. The most famous landmarks in this city are Totemsburgh Cave and "The Weather Station"  Chase scenes often cross into Torontotem.

Totemsburgh-on-the-Lake - Just north of Totemsburgh and T. Heights, this town lies along the southern shores of Lake Totemsburgh.

Port Totemsburgh - Just to the west of T on the L, and north of Totemsburgh proper, Port Totemsburgh's main district lies where the Totem River flows into Lake Totemsburgh.

Totemshire - Wealthy exurb on the far east side of Totemsburgh.

Totemsburgh Falls - Same as Totemshire, except they have an ice cream shop.

The Totemsburgh equivalant of Lakewood - Along Lake Totemsburgh just west of Port Totemsburgh.

Totemsburgh Island - A manmade island within Lake Totemsburgh home to a real-life Charizard. Vacation destination sometimes.

Mt. Totemsburgh - Kind of like Mts. Pleasant, Stirling, and Lookout, Mt. Totemsburgh is not really a mountain. It is actually awfully flat, and lies to the southwest of Totemsburgh proper.

Ghettotem:  Really bad area located just north of East Totemsburgh and south of Port Totemsburgh. known for large amounts of gang violence, especially near Superfly Barber shop. Chantal's family lives in Ghettotem.

Chilloughby:  Pretty chill area on the east side of Totemsburgh. They used to have a Don Pablo's that Nick, Nate, Scott, parents, and an invisible man frequented, but it closed down and is now Steak on a Stone.

Menner:  Snobby area on the east side of Totemsburgh

Tokyotem:  Stereotypical Asian district, located southeast of Totemsburgh, near Torontotem. Most residents speak broken English, drive poorly, and do 4 hours of math homework a night even though they have been out of school for years. Hunan Totemsburgh is located here.

Totemstucky:  Rural township south of Totemsburgh known for uneducated hillbillies, rednecks, stores that proudly display the Confederate flag in their windows, and good whiskey (Daniel Jack's is made in Totemstucky). Totemstucky was founded by General Sanders, who later founded Totemstucky Fried Chicken (TFC), a fast food restaurant. Every May, they run the Totemstucky Derby at Mosquehill Downs. This is the first leg of Hoarse Horse Racing's Single Crown.