Nick's 2017 Predictions (Not Disambiguation)

2017 MLB

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2017 Water Baseball

AL East

1)     New Jersey Kabutos (2) – Last year, the eventual Earth Champs walked through the AL East for their fourth division title in 5 seasons.  It won’t be nearly as easy in 2017 but I think they’ll repeat.  They’ve lost a bit from their lineup, though hopefully a healthy Michael Chansey and youngster Cory Noveler can offset some of that. Duncan, Tentacles, Syndergaardner, and Bradams are back as the best 1-4 starting rotation in the league, but there’s a question at 5th starter.

2)     Providence Anchors (4) – The Anchors have an aging yet elite starting staff of Tom Bradley, Anchor, and Sanders and have added a bunch this offseason to try and win now.  They’re probably a top five team in water baseball but only the second best in their division.  Their lineup is also stacked but older, so there may be some injuries.  They won’t trade Jimmy G.

3)     New York Water Baseball Professionals – Another vastly improved team after ownership takeover by Nate Abbraccio, they acquired the likes of Skeeter Valentino and new ace H.P. Sanderson, while giving away Jose Hypochondriac and Theodore Oldman.  They will definitely challenge for a division title in a suddenly crowded AL East.

4)     Miami Druggies – Could this be the year Josh Gordoff plays? Nahhh dude.  They quietly took a step forward last year and could do the same again, with Luigi Chalmers and Jeremy Tunsil leading the way.

5)     Dover Propels – Dover won 58 games in 2014 and by 2016 were completely dismantled.  The mismanagement here is rivaled only by that of the Washington leadership it recently absorbed (Redskins or Congress, applies to both) Future hall of famer Jeffrey Independence has called it a career, and the Propels are left with a pitching staff of Joe Falco, Kirk Uncles and nobody.  Though they did add Bryce Hoppa.

AL Central

1)     Cleveland Generals (1) – Cleveland improved on an already stacked team with Edlose Encarnacion and bullpen pitcher Broussard Logan.  Addition by subtraction also happened with the Browns players being reassigned to Youngstown.  Not to mention LeBron Jimmy, one of the best players in the league.  Cleveland is the most complete team in the AL.

2)     Indianapolis Republicans (5) – With the exception of adding slugger Kyle Buck, Indy had a rough offseason.  Former rising star Paul Bryan might be sent back to AAA as he had a terrible pre-spring workout.  The starting pitching is good enough (though what is wrong with Blessing?) and the pen is always phenomenal.  I’ll say a handful less wins than last year (partly due to Cleveland’s rise) but just enough to grab the second wild card.  Maybe they’ll bring John McWayne back from retirement?

3)     Lexington Gentlemen – They’ve won the division twice in the last three years without looking particularly impressive on paper, kind of a 2014-2015 Royals vibe.  That being said, they have high hopes for young phenom Hans Rhinegeist playing first, and the pitching staff has been consistent for years.  I think they’ll fight with New York and Indianapolis for the second wild card spot.

4)     Mobile Homes – Playing in one of the power divisions will keep their record low, but the team has certainly improved, going young for the first time in years. Except ace Drew Breeze that is. Chris Columner is a solid number two. Jim N. Nick not only makes good barbeque but is also a good wbb player.

5)     St. Louis El Presidentes – Oh my, what to say here.  This may be the most dysfunctional team in league history and that includes the Washington Representatives that got kicked out of the league.  Trumpet is a good player when he’s on the field, but he’s oft-suspended.  Trying to repeal Timothy Healthcare’s player status was a huge PR hit.  Several players, such as Mike Flyout (humorous as he did that when he was batting often) have been permanently suspended.  The team has more talent than other bottom dwellers, but they can’t put it together.

AL West:

1)     San Antonio Something (3) – Here’s the anti-Lexington.  They have absurd talent on paper, but aside from a year or two here and there, they never really go deep into the postseason.  Timothy Duncan’s retirement was barely felt with the emergence of Kawhi Sheldon, and the Cowboys, Texans, Rangers, and Astros all have loads of players that have equivalents on this team, not to mention bearded first baseman James Leer.  If they can put it together they’re in a league with the other playoff teams.  We shall see.

2)     Albuquerque Turkeys – This team is either old (James Schlotzky, Carson Fallmer) or entering their prime (Goomba St. James et al) It’s a situation that has lent itself to around a .500 finish the last few years.  It will lend itself to around a .500 finish this year too, but with more upside than the below teams.

3)     Wyoming Oblongs – They lost a lot of longtime players and are definitely beginning a new era. They’re not exactly loaded with young talent, but enough decent players came over in the New York swap that they might be alright.  The Rockies are my surprise baseball team and they have some good players I don’t feel like looking up right now, plus I will be there in May and might make up some humorous names as well.

4)     California Melons – California needs offense and they would be the best in the division. Their rotation rivals New Jersey’s and Providence’s, with Steph Cumin, Milwaukee Bumgarner, Kevin Duruncle, Johnny Cuefinger and Cloudy Gray, and they have several more potential pitching stars in the woodwork that would start on most staffs.  But outside of Draymond Blue and his area-kicking tendencies and Bumgarner’s ability to DH on days he doesn’t pitch, they have no offense to speak of. Maybe the #2 draft pick can help.

5)     Alaska Blubbernuggets – I feel like last place is a slight, because they could be 4th in either the AL East or Central. (humorously, so could San Antonio, who I have winning the West) This division is so unpredictable they might even win, who knows.  Felix Hisnandez needs a bounce back season, and Russell Chilson has to revert to his former self as well.  Otherwise, about average.  Jorgan Von Strangle is suspended 20 games for steroids and Cosmo Sanderson has retired.